How to: Get to Petushki

A glimpse into skij yesh on's journalistic career, friends: from an upcoming article in Moscow's element magazine.



One: Remember the last time you were in Petushki. It was a life-changing experience, you came close to feeling the gentle caress of God. You realized once and for all that you were not alone on Earth. You met a girl, she can save you from the darkness in your head. You must return to Petushki.

Two: Get fired from your job for drinking and negligence. Now you have more time for drinking. And negligence. You just have to make it to Petushki.

Three: Take to the streets drinking and reminiscing about your Petushki princess. Drink and wander. Start mixing dzhintonik, cologne, DEET, and discarded kvas bottle dregs for a few moments of enlightenment. Because you’re never going to make it to Petushki.

Four: You’re a poet so you’ll howl at the night and your cursed luck. Will you be stuck in Moscow forever? Now mix two liters of vodka with a few drops of cockroach poison and three teaspoons of water from the Moskva. Quaff it in one go and then let everyone know about your girl in Petushki. Pretend to play an instrument in an underpass while holding out your hat to every passer-by for spare change. With this you can make it to Petushki.

Five: The drinking brings you so close to God and all his Angels that you can hear their silvery liquid music, it sooths the pains in your head. Drink more vodka. From the bottle. Stumble to a train station. You must be saved. You must make it to Petushki.

Six: Sell all worldly possessions. But one train ticket to Petushki. Blow the rest on vodka and industrial-strength cleaners for mixers. You have no need of money now, you’re going to Petushki.

Seven: With the support of the Angels, God in Heaven and the alcohol fumes busting pure white light through your chest, get on the train to Petushki. Take counsel with the Angels and kind babushki, repel the demons and evil babushki with constant vodka shots. Lace them with mosquito repellent. You might just make it to Petushki.

Eight: Through the hazy wash of intoxication, listen for the station announcements. Get off at Petushki. Bound out of the train. Prepare for consummation. But what’s this? You now this place. You’re at Kursky Vokzal. Now realize that Petushki exists, but only in your head.